I want to paint, and I want to write - for a living.
Funny how that would have been the answer my nine year old self would have given; and now with all the years in between having no idea what I want to be when I grow up, it seems I may have got it right all those years ago.
I wonder sometimes what might have been if I was asked more "what do you like to do" instead of "what do you want to be". Or if some of my influencers didn't project their fears onto my dreams when I was so impressionable. Or if the opinions of others weren't so polarizing when relaying what they believed to be success. Or even if I wasn't so eager to please and not question it. Or maybe if I put more stock into what my supporters where saying instead of what the naysayers where saying. I just might have figured it out sooner or believed in myself then. Who knows, but I'm glad to have taken the journey.
Ultimately, I know I needed those years on top of this dream, and all the perceived wrong turns along the way to get to this point. I do have a tendency to learn things the hard way, and I've got comfortable in that rhythm. It helps me feel, to live life and push my limits, to find my eye, to figure out where to stand. It gives me stories and reminds me how rewarding it all can be. I asked for this, to experience the blissfully wonderful and the incredibly dark moments that magically shape my soul. That keeps me moving forward, trusting myself, and wanting more.
So why now?
I guess I've just reached this point in my life where I unapologetically want to do it my way, and anything less than that seems like I'm wasting my time.
It honestly has been a tough few years, and not surprisingly, that was not part of the plan. I had hoped to land another exciting job, and continue on the career path I had set out on. I had moved back to Ontario to start my life with my then fiancé, now husband, and was cautiously hopeful it would all come together. But that just didn't happen, and having a positive outlook didn't shield me from disappointment and repetitive rejection.
With each stressful situation, being told I didn't get the job, getting the jobs I didn't want, life changing joyious moments, mistakes made, opportunity received, life altering loss, bully co-worker, the clarity felt by knowing how lucky I am, all of that is the reason for my pivot.
I know it's possible, to love what you do, and be successful doing it. I actually know people that have that going for them, and I want in!
Once l blocked out the fearful voice telling me I couldn't do this, and who the hell did I think I was, it all started to make sense and became clear. I was able to pick up on the cues that were being left for me. Why shouldn't I try!
I'm aware life owes me nothing, and I know that there are people in worse situations than mine that are wildly unhappy. That does make me feel guilty for having the potiental and mindset to change my reality. I know subconsciously I've been holding myself back and resisting change because I've been scared to fail again. With this, it's all me, I have full control and responsibility to make what I want from it. If I'm being truly honest, it's terrifying to put your thoughts and talents out there on display for people to see and be judged (what if it sucks?, what if I piss someone off?, I know I will piss someone off!)
It's all so personal, and I feel an artistic burden to always get it right, and struggle with the feeling like I never will. To envoke the emotion I want my audience to feel, all while managing the unwanted delays that come with not really knowing which way I'm going, and when I'll get there. Miraculously though, that moment always seems to just happen on its own and at just the right time. There is this familiar pattern I experience whether it's writing or painting - excitement, determination, worry, confusion, being overwhelmed, hating it, calmness, confidence, then knowing. The process is quite exhausting!
It's just clear to me now that I cannot continue to keep running into this wall and making myself feel like a failure. I have to really look at what this rejection is, and be mindful that perhaps this is the universe's way of showing me I’m meant to do something else. A failure can be more then not getting what I think I want, it can be an opportunity towards something better.
So, the simple answer to “why now” is, what I have been doing isn’t working - and now, at this moment in time, I am someones example.
(This will be my safe place where I will show my artwork and write about the things I experience and what matter to me. I'll share parts of a book I've been working on that shadow my experiences living in the Arctic.)